Sunday, 18 November 2012

Battle Report: The Bridge Over the River Chai - Turn 1

Righto - we're away! Thantsants and Airbornegrove have said gentlemanly things to each other, issued some sort of virtual handshake under the stern virtual gaze of Dreamfish, the games master, which leaves nothing other then the business of describing the decidedly ungentlemanly acts that ensued.

These are they.

Again, because there are orcs on the table, of course, the thing we are faced with is animosity. I love animosity. You love animosity. Airbornegrove loves animosity. Thantsants... well, I think he might have a love-hate thing going right now with animosity. With more than half of the main combat units in his line failing animosity before they'd even moved, let us suggest that hate is the waxing emotion, with love distinctly waning.

Also, don't forget that the chariot is GM controlled, so all of the 'involuntary' movement is handled before any other movement. Fortunately for all involved, the chariot careens down the ramp, straight into the middle of the table.

So, catastrophe's determined - turn 1 started like this:

The turn starts like this

Movement Phase

Thantsants moved those troops he had control over (that is, the dark elves...), whilst Airbornegrove enjoyed complete freedom of choice with his many and varied units. The Giant started wading across the river, whilst the gyrocopter pilot gunned the engine and drove the device into the air, becoming the first dwarf on the other side of the river.

Curiously, the wood elves elected to leave the chariot to its own devices, choosing instead to capitalise on the vantage point they had over the dark elves by nocking arrows to their bows...

Note the witch elves forming up into column in order to climb the cliff and take the wood elves on at their own level!


Moved forward 8"
Suffers animosity @ RGH, wheeled left 3.5"
Suffers animosity @ RGH, wheeled right 3.5"
Suffers animosity @ K3C, moved forward 3.5"
Suffers animosity @ K3C, moved forward 3.5", turned right

Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3" @ difficult ground
Flyed @ attack level, accl. 8", current speed 8"
Wheeled right 4"

Turned left, moved forward 2.5" @ difficult ground
Wheeled left 4"
Moved forward 2" @ KBP1
Wheeled left 4"
Moved forward 6"
Moved forward 5"
Moved forward 3.5"
Moved forward 3.5"


"Nah, I still don't get it. Tell me again - why's they got it in for Rogaine?"

Exlax sighed as he looked over at Immodeyum. "C'mon, orc - how many times I gots to tell ya?"

"Look, I don't understand, okay? It sounded complicated."

"Well it ain't. It's like this -"

"Hang on,boys. Let's just stack these bolts up first and get the thrower in place," Prunjus said, waving his hands at the other two. They were new to his crew, so they hadn't really Had Their Jobs Explained To Them.

"We'll get it done in a minute," Exlax grumbled.

"No. We'll do it now. The reason how come the last two I had is gone an' I've been lumbered with you two is 'cos Rogaine Explained Their Jobs To Them so hard they died. Now I ain't gonna miss 'em, an' I ain't gonna miss you, but I ain't Having My Job Explained To Me by Rogaine again, see?"

With that firm warning, the crew lumbered the warmachine into place and readied it to fire. Almost on queue, Rogaine's powerful voice echoed across the valley below as he instructed the orc line to advance. In the distance, Prunjus and the boys could see elves descending into the valley, chasing a chariot being driven so fast it was hard to think of it as being under control.

"Rioght - back to Rogaine now," Exlax said, leaning up against the bolt thrower. The crew looked down and watched as the orc line began the advance, before slowly starting to collapse in on itself.

"Bleedin' 'ell," Immodeyum muttered, watching with fascination as each unit flanking Rogaine's cavalry started folding in on him, their insults reverberating off the valley walls. "I knew they was upset, but they ain't even started yet!"

"How come? Tell me, orc - what's goin' on?" Exlax whined.

Immodeyum held up his hands in a placating manner. "Now I don't know this, right - it's all just rumours and some such, okay? You didn't hear none of it from me-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Exlax huffed impatiently. "Come on, orc - spill the beans!"

"So Gaversconne's been wanton' to take over from Rogaine for a while, right?"

"Right," nodded Exlax.

"And it turns out, that sneaky young Gaversconne's been seein' Rogaine's lady."

"He ain't got a lady?"

"Damn right she ain't a lady. Anyhow, Rogaine don't know it, cos if he did, Gaversconne'd-"

"What - like a real girl?" Exlax asked, his eyes wide open.

"Yeah," said Immodeyum. "Like a real girl. Try an' keep up, okay?"

"So's anyway, Gaversconne's no doubt been trying to get 'is Fireguts to get all angry about Rogaine, which is wots happening down there, see?" Immodeyum pointed at the black orcs, who had wheeled about to face Rogaine's unit's flank.

"They look angry," Exlax said.

"They is. Apparently - remember, all rumours, an' not from me, right - he's told them Rogaine ain't no proper back orc 'cos he hangs out with regular orcs like them wots on the boars, right? Gaversconne reckons Rogaine should be headin' up black orcs. 'Course, he's worked out that's what he does, so he can't have that neither, right?"

Exlax had a pained expression on his face. "Er...right?" He scrunched up his face as he considered this last sentence. "Actually, not right. Who can't have wot neither?"

Immodyum shook his head. "Gaversconne can't have Rogaine trying to take over the Fireguts, right? Cos that's what Gaversconne does. What would Gaversconne do if Rogaine led his boys?"

"I should imagine he'd like a break, really - maybe a bit of a holiday? I sure could do with a holiday."

"Yeah? You ever see a black orc take a holiday-"

"Sorry to interrupt, boys, but we'd better get on and shoot smoothing," Prunjus said, handing a bolt over to Exlax. "Otherwise the only holiday youse two is gonna see is when yer heads get to take a break from yer bodies courtesy of me."

"Fine, fine," mumbled Exlax, racking up the bolt. "What should we shoot?"

"Don't care," Prunjus grunted, setting himself onto the floor. He doffed his helmet over his eyes, reclined against a rock and said: "I don't care what you shoot, as long as you shoot something, okay? Every now and then, you shoot something. Wake me up if you have problems."

Exlax raised an eyebrow to Immodeyum. Immodeyum shrugged.

"Lets shoot that flying thing," he suggested.

Exlax nodded. Together, they wheeled the machine around, pointing it more or less where they anticipated the dwarves flying contraption to be, before releasing the bolt.

"That was an awful shot," Immodyum chuckled, watching the bolt sail into the trees on the other side of the valley.

"Don't matter," Exlax said. "Okay, so Gaversconne's riled up his boys to 'ave a go at Rogaine, right?"

"Yer, that's it."

"Wot about this lot 'ere?" Exlax pointed at the orc archers, who had just fired a volley at Rogaine's gruntas.

"Them lot's got no leader no more, see?"

"Oh, really? How come?"

"He was also seein' Rogaine's lady."

Exlax scrunched his face up again. "Hang on. So Rogaine's got a lady, but that bloke - Gavin or something - " he pointed at the black orcs, "is also sweet with her. But so's this new chap - can't remember 'is name now-"

"Didn't say his name, dope. Don't matter, 'cos he's dead. Rogaine went proper spare when he found out. See this rope we's using for the bolt thrower? That's his guts."

"I wish I could meet Rogaine's lady. She sounds nice."

"Are you listening to me?" Immodeyum barked, tapping his finger on Exlax's forehead. These," he brandished the rope under the nose of the other orc, "are his guts!"

Exlax blinked, the rope so close to his face he was struggling to focus on it. A long silence followed.

Eventually, Exlax moved the rope away from his face. Immodeyum nodded, glad that the other orc understood.

Exlax looked down at the shouting orcs. Eventually, none had elected to attack Rogaine and his boys. His eyes drifted to the black orcs. Gaversconne was cheerfully hurling insults left, right and centre.

"Tells ya wot, though," he said. "That Gavin bloke don't look half bad fer someone who ain't got no guts no mo- OW! Whaddidja hit me for!"


Shooting Phase

Shooting was fantastic and bloody. Guns, arrows, stones - every level of tech was involved. In the end, it was the dark elves who paid. The champions of O-deck, fine marines every one of them, were gunned down to
a manan elf. In spite of these terrible losses, Seaman Sprayes elected to remain on the field, proving his valour, bravery and considerable confusion are second to none.


Shot @ SOC, killed 3
Shot @ SOC, killed 1
Shot @ SOC, killed 2
Shot @ SOC, killed 9
Shot @ RGH, killed 1
Shot @ RLR, killed 3, +1 heat point

Shot @ RGH, killed 0
Shot @ K3C, killed 0


"I can't believe he made him a seaman!"

Seaman Sprayes, hearing the hushed whispers, held up his hand.

"Company Halt!"

The dark elves, drilled to perfection by the recently deposed Gimiya Hanjohb, stopped dead and stood to attention.

Sprayes looked at Gimiya. "They're talking about me again."

Gimiya sighed. "So take control. You are the commanding officer, aren't you?"

"Righto, I bloody well will-"

"Perhaps," Gimiya said, gripping Sprayes by the arm, "we should first consider the position we're in? Whilst it's not for me to question your judgement, you have called us to a halt at the bottom of a cliff crested by armed elves who appear to be planning to shoot us? I think we should spread out."

Sprayes offered Gimiya a pained expression.

"Look, I know how it is in the marines - I've got to prove my worth - I get it."

He fixed Gimiya with a withering stare before starting to shout. "So that is what I plan to do! I think there is safety in numbers! My orders are to huddle closer together! Use our shields to defend ourselves!"

Seaman Sprayes held his hand up again.

"Company HUDDLE!"

Gimiya's jaw dropped. "Sir? Sprayes? Seriously? Huddle?"

The elves, not entirely sure what to do, all shuffled a little closer, allowing their shoulder plates to clink against each other encouragingly.

They looked at Gimiya, who shook his head.

They looked at Seaman Sprayes, who nodded his head.

Gimiya dejectedly pointed up to the sky.

"Shields! Up Shields! On Top! Y'know!" Seaman Sprayes screeched and waved, as he watched the cloud of arrows driving through the sky towards his spearmen.

The spearelves looked at each other. "Up shields?" once mouthed at another, just before an arrow punctured his neck.

The sudden cries of other elves suggested that the last order was not well understood. Three elves collapsed with arrows extended from their bodies.

"I'm telling you, Sprayes, we need to spread out!" Gimiya spat.

"And I'm telling you, Gimiya, we need to huddle up!"

Sprayes turned to face the unit.

"All of you! Listen to me! You need to huddle as close to each other as possible, okay? Nobody panic, I know what I'm doing!"

He watched as the spearmen squeezed themselves as close as their armour would allow, nodding his approval. "That's right. That's right. Nice and tight!"

Gimiya's eyes were daggers as he stared at Sprayes.

"You too, Gimiya - get in there!"

Gimiya wedged himself against his peers, who shuffled apart a little to allow him in.

"Now - shields up!" Sprayes yelled.

Gimiya Hanjohb raised his shield half heartedly. The others followed suit.

"Now you're getting it!" Sprayes yelled.

And get it, they did.

Sprayes jumped in terror as the unit - his unit - having finally followed orders, were suddenly eviscerated by a great boulder.

"Oshitoshitoshit!" he squeaked, pointing at the rock in a futile gesture whilst holding his other hand over his mouth.

Having huddled so close together, the stone had all but flattened the elves in the centre. The outer elves had all been pushed outwards by the impact and now lay face down, facing all the directions of the compass, like a newly opened flower.

"Oshitoshitoshit!" he squeaked again, looking around. Where the hell did that come from?

Suddenly, he heard Gimiya groan. Looking down, he recognised his antagonistic adviser. "Gimiya! Gimiya! Get up! Get the men back in line!"

Seeing nothing happen apart from some groaning on Gimiya's behalf, Sprayes took it on himself to try to lift Gimiya up, positioning him so that he was on his knees. his back rested against the boulder. Sprayes could do no better - both of Gimiya's lower limbs were trapped by the stone.

"Oshitoshitoshit!" Sprayes gulped.

"You're telling me," Gimiya coughed, blood running from his broad grin. "At least we huddled together, eh? Shields up and all that-"

"Shut up! Can you walk? We need to get these men back on their feet!"

Gimiya's chest rattled as he coughed up his laughter. "I hate you," he muttered, before falling flat on his face, dead.


Sprayes ran around the stone, shaking the various elves.

All dead.

What would-

"Everything alright there, Sprayes?" Master B'tor yelled from his cold one.

"Sir! Yes Sir! Just trying to restore some order to the unit Sir! - On your feet, you mangy lot!" - this last directed at the hitherto breathing elves.

Master B'tor didn't stop, but spurred his cold one on past the squashed corpses. "They're all dead, Sprayes. Which is an awful pity, because I had high hopes for you and these marines. I fully expect you to avenge each and every one of these elves, okay? So, please find something useful to do before I kill you, hmm?"

Sprayes saluted the departing form of Master B'tor and his cold one, before issuing a vicious kick to Gimiya's head.

"Now look what you've gone and done! Bloody quitter!"


Reserves Phase

If you're new to 3rd edition, then you won't have heard of the reserves phase before. This was how march moves worked before they became march moves in later editions of Warhammer. essentially, any unengaged troops more than 4" away from the enemy are able to make another move. So everyone moved again. The witch elves, being engaged in the difficult business of climbing the cliff, are not eligible for a reserve move.

Perhaps the most interesting thing was Wineghum, the sneaky goblin shaman, goading his giant spider into spell casting range. By doing so, he also sneakily positioned himself between the black orcs and the boar riders, possibly limiting the impacts of animosity - always nice to see teamwork, Wineghum!


Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"
Moved forward 3"

Moved forward 2"
Moved forward 5" @ RGH right flank

Magic Phase

Long has it been the lament of Dreamfish and myself that the magic phases of our reports have been nothing other than honorary mentions.

But no longer!

Wineghum, that empathic, caring, There's-No-I-In-Team-And-Besides-Why-Can't-We-All-Just-Get-Along-And-Kill-Them-Together-We're-All-Green-In-The-End-Right goblin shaman, cast a spell called Mystic Mist.

Now the spell pretty much does what it says on the tin. It makes a mist, which, coming out of nowhere, one might consider to be 'mystical'.

That's what it does.

No one blew up.

No one was disintegrated.

No one had to make initiative tests or be sucked into some cross-dimensional beast's maw.

All that happened was that the dwarf warmachines, previously having enjoyed a pleasant and clear day, were now surrounded by fog. Of course, fog does cause problems with seeing things, which will make it harder for the warmachine crews to find targets.

But whilst I say 'all that happened' as if to minimise and diminish the event, allow me to pause and magnify the event! For, what you have seen here, is a tactical spell! Games workshop stopped producing tactical spells from Warhammer 4 onwards. Curious, because I think they could sell some Games-Workshop Cotton Wool (tm) especially for use with tactical spells that involve mist or smoke. Oh well...perhaps in Warhammer 9.

The other interesting thing with Mystic Mist is that it lasts 1D3 turns. Now that we have a games master, that particular dice-roll was made in secret, meaning that only Dreamfish actually knows how long the mist is there for - neither Thantsants nor Airbornegrove can 'bank' on their awareness of how long it might last - because they don't know!


Magic Mist
Rolled 1D3 dice in secret

Casted Magic Mist @ Baggage Area

So - Turn 1 was bloody.

Turn 2 is insane...

Battle Navigator

Meet The Contestants
Rules and Deployment
Turn 1 (you are here)
Turn 2
Turn 3
Turn 4
Turn 5
Turn 6
Turn 7
Turn 8
Turn 9
Turn 10


  1. No-one told me the Orcs were having woman trouble before I took charge of them... ;)

    Well done to Airborne for a bloody start to the battle!

    1. Still better than taking the elves and having man trouble, I suppose ;)

  2. Fine write up Gaj! Sorry Thantsants, but that was a fun turn for me. =)

    I enjoyed it thoroughly. I've been pretty lucky so far, I'm just waiting for it all to go to shit.

    I do have to say that for the four of us to create this while being in our own corner of the world, is nothing short of amazing.

    I love the internet and I am having a blast!

    On to Turn 2, for more reserve moment and tactical magic. Sit back kids and grab a note book, you might learn something.

    1. Must say I had and am having loads of fun too, despite and because of the setbacks!

      Don't know about you but those dice rolls are getting really nerve wracking.

      You're right about how this has come together, as did the last battle reports. Huge thanks already for DF putting up with my persistent questions (usually coming to nothing after the dice have had their say anyway!) and Gaj bringing it all to life here :)

  3. Awesome. Great looking game, fun write-up and very lovely and professional looking presentation! Loving the photos! The 'special effect' in the Goblin Shaman photo is a very enjoyable touch! Private Weird and I are enjoying our own play-by-net Oldhammer game, and are also finding some of the same joys in it Airbornegrove describes...alas, my set-up still leaves much to be desired, but I'll be working on that over the coming year...Looking forward to turn 2!

  4. Oh yeah! Nice start to the game, guys! I love the unknown mist factor. And the pictures are Ace. I especially like the shot of the Dwarven artillery and the bridge-crossing.

  5. YAY! It has begun! :D
    I am totally going to make myself a table like that. Or as close an approximation as I can manage. Animosity continues working its dirty influence no matter what edition we are playing.A bad start for the dark Elves and will the Orcs even bother to get involved?

  6. Great job to a good start indeed...


    Fantastic, love the part the of the Dark Elves. He's going to be a real character, if he manages to survive.

    @Gaj, what happened to the action summaries?!?

  8. @Dreamfish - ah - the action summaries are meant to be included, are they? I thought they were just reminders for me :)

    I see you've added them into the turn1 file, so I'll just load that up, shall I :)

    Also, very, very well done on the photography. That picture of the dwarves coming over the bridge is pregnant with atmosphere! Those backgrounds really make the whole thing work as well.

  9. @everyone else - cheers for the kind words. I think in this case its pats on the back all round - Dreamfish's astonishing setup and management of the game is ... well, astonishing. As for you two - I had no idea the game was going to unfold this way. Goes to show how bloody violent you lot really are.

    @Private Weird - Haven't forgotten about you yet :)

    @Mouse - cheers for that. I must confess, I have done you a disservice - I've only been tracking your blog from a point of view of the online fight you and Private Weird are having - I had no idea how much 3rd edition goodness rested on your other posts! Very well done indeed, sir!

  10. Gaj: Wow. Seems things have come on in leaps and bounds since the last time I was able to spend time reading your blog! I like the redesign. I can spend my last couple of days in this job catching up on everything I've missed! :)

  11. Cheers, Mr Chris! Good to see you're still kicking about the internet.